I went to therapy today and E and I had a really good talk about my recent episode of self harm. It was the first episode in nearly 3 years. In fact, the first episode since I started therapy with her and she (and I) wanted to understand why.
It was quite an angry and aggressive episode with a lot of anger directed at E and her lack of response to an email from me. I felt abandoned and upset and angry at her. It was like when I was younger and my Mum used to abandon me alone with my abusive father. I would beg her not to leave me alone with him but she would do it anyway, knowing how emotionally and physically abusive he was.
I explained to E that the feelings were the same but the aggression and anger I felt towards her was very deep rooted inside of me. It came from deep within me. That when I hurt myself it wasn’t “me”, it was someone else. But it wasn’t my 13 year old (the usual angry one who wants to self harm). E thought perhaps there was another part inside needing attention. She could be right. If so, this part scares me.
At the end of my session with E, I stopped by to say hello to A. She is the backup for E and had helped me after the self harm episode. E came out of her office and asked me to step into A’s office with her. I knew this couldn’t be good. It wasn’t. A is leaving. Next week is her last week. They were waiting for a good time to tell me together and this was it.
I’m afraid the news that A is leaving is just really hitting me now and, yes, I am crying and feeling a deep sense of loss. All of my younger parts are distressed and so am I. I am trying to use my visualisation exercise but it is difficult when all 4 parts are distressed. They all feel the loss and so do I. A has been a great backup for E. I will miss that and I am not sure I will make that connection with another psychologist as a backup to E. And yes. I am now panicking about losing E too.